REALfitness by Scott

This really isn’t a very fun topic to talk about but it is such a part of life it must be addressed. I have a few more things to share on the topic. First that comes to mind, is guilt complicates grief. If you lost a job or a relationship that was due to your failures, the grief is layered by the guilt and is more difficult to untangle. If you lost a loved one and you had unfinished business, or felt you failed them in some way, again the guilt makes the grieving worse.

Grieving isn’t a non-stop process. Especially after the first wave, or the first several months there will be times you almost feel normal. Then, out of no where waves of sadness can crash upon you and you enter another season of awareness of the intense loss you’ve experienced and how different your new reality is.

I also believe sometimes during the grieving time most will not just face the pain and pray. That is the best remedy, talk, pray, weep mingled with life’s ongoing responsibilities. But I believe it is normal for times of just running from the pain. Sometimes a person can run to wholesome escapes like working out, shopping, traveling but for others the pain may lead them to medicate in not so good ways.

A person who has true faith in Jesus Christ and eternal life through Him has the added benefit of the hope of a much better future when the Lord will dry all tears from our eyes and the former things will pass away. If the loss was a loved one, the promise of a reunion one day brings hope so we don’t grieve like those with no hope, but we still grieve!

There simply is no easy way around loss. It is a tough pill to swallow. Your faith, a close friend or two, your willingness to face the pain, to reengage with life and time will be the best prescription.

blessings,

Scott

There is much written about grief. I am not writing about the normal pattern of grief. I am writing about what I have experienced about grieving a loss. First, I’ve been thinking about the purpose of grieving, why is it so important to work through significant losses you and I experience in life? I think to stay attached to the real world rather than one that only exists in my head, it is necessary to grieve to let go of something that is no longer part of reality. So, for example, I was the full time pastor for 12 years of Believers Church in Chesapeake, VA now I work full time for a natural gas utility and part time for Bay Life Church in Brandon, FL. That is my new reality and it is a massive change. Whenever their is a major transition that includes loss, grief will be part of the adjustment to a new reality.

Grief always takes the willingness to accept/face what is now my new reality and to feel the pain of the loss of the old reality. That pain may include a deep sense of loss, anger, depression, a longing for the old to still be real and other such emotional hurt. For me, I have to allow myself to feel that pain and express it in some way. I can’t stuff it, or bottle it up inside and pretend it didn’t happen.

Medicating that pain only will prolong the healing time. Talking about it, taking it to the Father through talking to Him about it, and allowing myself to celebrate the good parts while still hurting over the loss is all part of it.

Having others who can share in the pain of my loss through empathy, listening and validating the loss are all helpful. Ultimately, the goal is to be able to look back and be grateful for the good times, learn from the hard times and be able to accept fully the new reality in which I am living now.

How long does that take? It depends how deeply you were invested emotionally in the thing you lost. It could take years for some losses. I close with the purpose of grief, it is to let go of something that is no longer reality so you can live fully in the reality that now is.

Grief is complicated and often messy. It can’t be placed neatly in a formula. I hope this helps someone.

Blessings,

Scott

Since that question came to my mind a couple days ago, it has not been far from my conscious thinking. Monday Night at the men’s group I lead, I shared this with them. Our table leader proceeded to ask each man around the table, “So what is it like to be you?” Almost every man gave us a look inside. Last night at our couples life group that meets at our home, I went around the room to each person and asked, “So, what is it like to be you.” In a phone conversation with my son yesterday I asked the same question.

It is a profound relationship building question. Most are taken back, because they’ve never been asked the question before. Eventhough it is a simple, straight-forward question, the first response to it often will be, “What do you mean?” The answer can be as shallow or as deep as the person’s ability to trust you with the answers.

For most my life, I would have to say my first inclination is to tell you about me, not ask you about you. I really am hoping to see that area of my life change. I feel an excitement inside thinking about asking that question and listening to the answers. I believe the relationships in my world that are most important to me are going to improve simply through caring enough to ask this question and listening to the answers. The question won’t lose its power because the answer may be different from week to week. Life is such an adventure, and I believe this question will help me live life for all it is worth!

blessings,

Scott

So after writing yesterday’s thoughts on Chapter 4 of Henry Cloud’s book, “Integrity,” I went out for a five mile run. On my way out I’m thinking of how difficult it has been over the years to get people to hear me. Then as so often happens the Lord begins to interupt my thought process with His! I was reminded of how the older people at the church I pastored in VA had asked for meetings to discuss what I was doing to “their church.” I had the meetings but never heard what they said because I was sure I had the plan to lead the church forward! I pictured how many times Gayle has said, “You don’t listen very well, don’t you remember I shared that with you yesterday?” I was reminded how often my kids sharing something with me from their hearts and it turned into a lecture from good ole dad! It was like the Lord said to me, “You really need Chapter 4 and its concepts for you.” It hit me how much I never really cared to listen to your hearts because I was too wrapped up in what is happening in my own.

Then the biggest lesson of the run was given to me. In a conversation/prayer during the run of wondering how I could change to be a better listener I really believe the Lord gave me this thought; “Why not ask, So, what’s it like to be you!” I shared this concept with our men’s group last night and our table leader went around the table and ask each man the question. It gave us all a peek into each other’s world and it was good.

I’ve been captured by the curiosity and adventure of this question ever since it hit my mind. I can’t wait to walk and talk with Gayle and hear her unpack her heart to me. I really am looking forward to how this one question will change my life and my listening! “So, what is it like to be you?”

blessings,

Scott

“Building Trust Through Connection” Is the title name of the single best chapter I have ever read in any book over the span of my life. Maybe it is the best to me because I fully identify with the content. I believe this chapter identifies where almost all marriage failure begins. I believe it identifies the heart of most interpersonal discontentment. I’m not going to rewrite the chapter here but I believe it would be worth the money if everyone bought the book and mastered chapter four.

The main concept is we connect with another person through their ability to hear us, understand us and emphathize with our realities.  When that happens, they trust us with their hearts. Dr. Cloud says the abilities to connect and trust are intertwined. If you gain someone’s trust, they give you their heart! This is not talking about in a romantic way but, it is talking about trusting someone with the contents, the deep fears, dreams of your heart.

When we share our experiences, our losses our thoughts with someone and they “yeah but” us, or explain away or discount what we shared the opposite happens. If we feel invalidated, we disconnect, we pull back, we don’t trust the other person. This is what happens when our kids try to express something to us and out of fear we give the parental lecture rather than trying to understand what they are sharing. They determine we are not trustworthy and go elsewhere with their hearts.

There is so much more in this chapter but I’m done for now. There are the keys to what it takes to be a person who can be trusted with the contents of another’s heart. I hope you will buy and master this chapter. The quality of your relationships and therefore the quality of your life may depend on it. That is a strong statement but I believe it is true.

Blessings,

Scott

I write a weekly newspaper article on energy related topics for a local paper here in Florida. I recently had this concept hit me. I want you to picture your home and then imagine the outdoor world around your home. The best way to conserve energy and reduce your utility bills is to have integration between the outside and the inside. What I mean by that is the closer the inside conditions are kept to the outside conditions, the less energy it will take to run your home. So if it is dark outside and dark inside, or cool outside and cool inside you don’t have to use any energy to alter the inside. The more different you want to make the inside space from the outside space the more energy it takes. So, if you want your home all lit up inside when it is dark outside it will take energy. If you want it cool inside when it is hot outside it will take a bunch of energy. I find the concept interesting.

In the spiritual realm as a Christian, I am called to be a light in a dark world. I am called to love even when I am hated. I am called to be a giver rather than a taker. It takes energy to consistently fuel my life to be different than the environment I am living in. I don’t have enough energy within myself to live that way. That is why Jesus taught, “Remain in Me and you will bear much fruit.” I need to stay plugged into the power source that is greater than my own to have the power to shine my light and brighten the world around me.

blessings,

Scott

Continuing on this theme of our personal energy, I want to address the loss of energy due to emotional “leaks.” There are several one liners related to this topic! “Resentment is like peeing your pants and expecting someone else to be uncomfortable.” Or, “Unforgiveness is like having someone live rent free in your head.” They are two of my favorites. The idea is we can use up some of our limited energy supply on a daily basis by not taking proactive measures to eliminate the causes of emotional distress.

When I fail to speak the truth in love or to guard my own boundaries or to deal with things immediately, stuff piles up and I begin to spend large amounts of energy fuming over my perception of those things. Harboring resentments, bitterness, anger, or unforgiveness creates massive emotional energy leaks that can make me more tired than a hard day at work and more depressed than a personal failure.

There are some great tools available to help you unravel these issues. “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality,” by Peter Scazzero is one that comes to mind. “Boundaries, and Necessary Endings,” by Dr. Henry Cloud as well. One other writing that has helped me tremendously is, “Living the Truth,” by Dr. Keith Ablow.

I’m 100% responsible for my own spiritual, emotional and physical life, and so are you. Take some action for your own good to stop the energy leaks from draining you from living fully engaged in the present and looking forward to the future with anticipation.

Blessings,

Scott