REALfitness by Scott

For sometime now, many years actually, I’ve been pretty open to the Lord teaching me new things. I invite Him regularly to "show me myself and Himself" so I can become more like Him and less like me. Years ago now, I learned my top emotional need is for approval, affirmation, or words of encouragement. I have always known I enjoy being the center of attention, don’t mind speaking in public, prefer leading to following, etc. I’ve never put together what I’m going to share with you next, what I saw for the first time yesterday morning. If the need for approval, affirmation is one of my top ones that category also includes being accepted, respected and feeling  like a valued part of a team or group. The opposite of all the above mentioned would be disapproval or a milder version blending in as a faceless entity in a group. Some harsher opposites would be rejection, criticism, or being devalued or undervalued. If any of the latter feelings creep into a person like me who value greatly the prior there are two options. One is a faith option and the second is motivated by fear. I’ve learned and taught in other settings when motivated by fear we guarantee the feared result will be the outcome. So here is the lesson I learned this week, unfortunately, after the fact! So, I’m in a training with a group of peers and really people higher up the food chain for our company and another. I’ve read widely over the years on leadership, leadership development and I’ve got very strong feelings about more effective ways of selling because in my own head I think I’m very aware of emotional intelligence and what people like and don’t like. So in this open forum session where input is invited, I’ve got PLENTY. As I offer my "insightful comments" on a very regular basis in the training, I sense the trainer is getting a little frustrated with me but in my mind my stock is rising. I’m thinking other’s are thinking "this guy is pretty sharp where has he gotten all this information/wisdom." I stayed pretty energized and engaged for two solid days of training and I honestly left thinking, "I wonder why the other people don’t seem overly passionate about what they are doing." "Why wasn’t there more engagement in the seminar." "Maybe I’m just one of the sharper people in the room." "Maybe because of all my studies, I KNOW MORE and have more to add." When I had the "KNOW MORE," thought that is where the light bulb began to flicker on. "I wonder if I came across as a know-it-all rather than a genius to the others." So, I did an internet search on "know-it-alls" and pardon the expression, holy crap, there I was!!!! The articles went on to say how this behavior is caused by one who isn’t sure of their standing or desires a better standing in a group and attempts to gain it for themselves through becoming the expert! So, when I’m motivated by fear, I’m fearing others won’t ever get to know all I know, where I’ve been what I’ve accomplished. Therefore, I will never have the chance to become the respected and valued member of the team. But my fear based behavior guarantees that undesired outcome will be true. Others may say, "he seems to know alot but he is a pain in the ass!" Trainers will say, "I hope that know-it-all guy isn’t in this class!" So, the remedy is this. Keep learning, keep enjoying engagement with what I do, but, surrender all the concern about what others think about me, or what others know about me to the Lord. Practice silence or at the minimum restraint. Let faith motivate my behavior. Let my character and work ethic and the way I treat others be what endears me to the team, rather than self-promotion or an attempt at self-advancement. Rest in who God made me to be and the gifts He has given me and use them to the best of my ability and trust Him to bring the affirmation and approval and acceptance and respect in His time and His ways. Tough lesson but I’m glad I got a look at it and could see what was really going on! My apologies to all the people who have endured this behavior in various settings!!

Ever since I’ve been a Christian, I’ve been told to tell others about Jesus. For the most part I have. I’m a talker so it always came fairly natural to me. For many though, it is a big burden placed on them that often makes them feel like failures for not telling others. Today I read Matthew 9 as part of my devotional reading. At the end of the chapter Jesus healed two blind men and gave them this charge, "Don’t tell anyone!" The next line says, "they told everyone in the area!" I think churches would do well to adopt a new strategy. When people come to church, tell them, please, whatever you do, don’t tell anyone about Jesus! I’m serious. Shut up! Don’t go to work and feeling all pressured thinking you have to be a sales person for Jesus give the people around you some canned presentation you learned at church. Don’t tell anyone!

 

That is, don’t tell anyone until you can’t help yourself. Don’t tell anyone until He has really done something in your life that you just can’t help but talk about to others! Then when you find yourself going weeks and months without having anything to talk about it is time for a gut check or a heart check! If He isn’t doing anything worth talking about in me, where is my spiritual life? Jesus said, what is in our hearts will come out our mouths, naturally. Our mouth is the overflow valve for our hearts. So, just keep your mouth shut, till your heart is so full your mouth just kind of moves on its own, then people will actually want to hear what is going on with you. It will be intriguing to them because it is real and you are excited about it, so much so you can’t help but let it spill over into your normal conversation.

 

So, don’t tell anyone about Jesus! Then watch His fame spread through your community!

For the last couple years anytime a charity calls and asks me for a donation I ask one question. "Could you tell me the percentage of money you raise that actually goes to the charity?" Usually there is a pregnant pause and the caller will say, "I will have to get you a manager to answer that question." "Okay, I’ll wait," I respond. The manager will come on the line in his best attempt to sound positive and say, "Yes sir, I want you to know a full 20% of the money goes directly to the charity!" In my informal experiment 9 out of 10 have the same percentage! Here is what I’m learning about all this.

 

The further removed from me taking personal responsibility for helping those in need in my sphere of influence, the less of my contribution ever gets to the need.

 

The easiest thing to do is give some money to some organization, I get to feel good like I’m really helping and I don’t have to invest much time or effort or get my hands dirty or really be directly involved. Plus, if I don’t see the need first hand, I probably won’t feel the need to give sacrificially. I will never get the sense, "If I don’t do something, people may die!" So, we live our unfulfilled, passionless lives but don’t really sense much purpose. There is nothing in our lives worth sacrificing for let alone a cause we would be willing to give our lives for.

 

Now, here is where it hits me close to home. I’ve been a Christian for 34 years now and have always given a healthy percentage of my income to the church. Last year was a unique year but we gave over 20% of our income to churches. I wonder if I ask my question to the churches what the answer would be?

 

The further removed from me taking personal responsibility for helping those in need in my sphere of influence, the less of my contribution ever gets to the need.

 

What about a total paradigmn shift in how we do ministry? I’ve been imagining a ministry for some time where every dime given, yes, 100% of the contributions went to directly impact some need. How in the world could that happen? Well, there would be way less organization, no owned or rented facilities, no utility bills, no salaries, no Sunday "Shows" to keep the donors coming. It may have to look alittle bit more like how Jesus did ministry. "Hey think your mom would let us meet in her big upper room tonight?" "Any chance we could all gather after work tonight and study the Bible together, anyone have a place we can meet?" "Do any of you know of people personally who we could step in and be Christ to them in their hour of need." "Let’s pool our resources and help them out." "If its nice out tonight, lets meet in that big field over by your house."

 

I know, everything people employed by churches do is ministry so technically 100% goes to ministry. Really? I pulled a paycheck from churches for nearly 20 years now and I’d say maybe 20% goes to ministry and 80% is overhead, buildings, salaries, benefits, computers, cell phones, equipment, technical stuff, etc. Some actually leads to impacting people personally, but much really doesn’t. Don’t tell me you can’t put a price on one person who trusts Christ as their Savior! How about looking at different approaches to reaching that one and say how much does it cost in the various models to reach one. In one model you may spend $80,000 to reach one, the other model you may spend some time to reach one, which one is being the better steward of the resources?

 

I must admit it is fun to sit where I sit right now, because I can ask these questions and not wonder "how will I make a living if we would do something this radical?" I can just ponder and say, "What if?"

 

The further removed from me taking personal responsibility for helping those in need in my sphere of influence, the less of my contribution ever gets to the need.

 

This is not a call to stop giving to your church, it is a call for each of us to look at how often we have expected some organization to do what God expects us to do as individuals. It is all about me stewarding my responsibilites before God.

 

The further removed from me taking personal responsibility for helping those in need in my sphere of influence, the less of my contribution ever gets to the need.

 

 

I’m reading Seth Godin’s latest book called "Tribes." It is a leadership book and as I read it he surfaced some things that helped me get a better grip on the way I’m wired. I realized I clearly have leadership aptitudes. I would have thought by 55 years old I’d be ready for cruise control but my mind is constantly working on new ideas, learning new stuff, I’m so inquisitive and curious that I know I drive some people to the edge. I’m always looking for a better way to do something or a new idea that needs developed. I’m also very skeptical and like to challenge most everything which I believe is very annoying to those who have to manage me, or try to :).

 

Any way, right now here are some things that I feel and believe pretty deeply in my gut. I wondered if these thoughts resonate with anyone else?

 

1. I love people, but I don’t have much time for people anymore who aren’t ready to step up and take responsibility for their own lives. What I’ve learned is you can preach to people, beat them, lock them up but until they are ready to take action for themselves, there is nothing I can do for them and spending much time trying is a waste of my time. You want to improve your marriage, if you are willing to work I can help you. You want to break a bad habit or addiction? When you are really willing to do what it takes call me and I’ll do everything in my power to help, until then don’t waste my time. If you are not willing, I am not willing. If you are really hungry, ask me what kind of work you can do to get your next meal, don’t stand along the road holding a sign looking pitiful and expect me to give you what I just spent my day trying to earn. If you are willing to help yourself, I’ll give you my shirt, but if you aren’t willing, I’m not either!

 

2. I’m tired of worrying about offending everyone and their brother. We have become too sensitive. I’m totally against putting people down because of their nationality or religion but it is time we trash the politically correct concept and grow up. If you are so thin skinned you can’t brush off someone’s comments it is your problem not the person telling the truth.

 

3. It is time for the entitlement mindset to end. You have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness but not to a free ride. I recently went to a health clinic and had this hit me in the face. The work sheet had different fee scales at the top. Mine had marked 100% full price. I’m sure most the rest of the people in the room, though young and able bodied got the "reduced" or "free" service reserved for those among us who are not pulling their own weight. It hit me that because I’m responsible and work for a living I have to help pay for all those who aren’t. I am eager to help people who really aren’t able to work. But I’m mad as hell about carrying all the freeloaders our country is enabling to stay in the "welfare system" and the "bail out system." There is a way out and the Bible spells it out. If you don’t work you don’t eat! Start practicing that part of the faith as a nation and watch how creative people become some will choose crime but others will learn to work.

 

4. I’m amazed by the group of men who come out every Monday Night to study and do life together. They are men who have stepped up to the plate, who are willing to do what it takes to improve their own lives, who are taking responsiblity to grow in their faith. I’ve watched many of them change before my very eyes. I know what I’m saying is true. You may not like it but that doesn’t change the truth. Its time for us to grow up as Americans and as Christians. If you don’t like the way things are do something about it, don’t wait for someone else to spoon feed you.

 

5. I’m amazed by 11 other men who are willing to sacrifice two weeks vacation, nearly $4,000 to spend that time and money doing hard manual labor in a hot primitive culture simply to help some orphans who can’t do much to help themselves. That is true compassion and Christ likeness. There is real need all around us and the more we become discerning sorting out the real from the freeloaders, the more resources we will have to help the real needy among us. I’m outraged at our lack of willingness to sort this out. It is easier just to throw resources into a big hole for everyone, those in need and those using the system. I for one am done with that concept. I’ll help people the Lord brings in my path in real need but no more for the masses from me.

 

My thoughts for the day,

 

Scott

I was just woke up by my radio this morning listening to a national radio show. The host "expert" was sharing how divorce is much worse than in previous generations and said it was because of pornography. I felt sad about that because it just is such a bogus view. As I see it this is one of the huge problems among most Christians. We can’t seem to see past surface issues that are wrong. For years the church rode the wagon railing against drinking alcohol. Of course we are against drugs. Naturally we are against pornography. The problem is those things are all SYMPTOMS of deeper issues. Being born with a sinful nature and choosing wrong paths is only part of the problem however. Here is where it gets sticky. I know tons of Christians who have accepted Jesus Christ as their Savior, who know they are forgiven but still battle with addictive type habits. Why? I’ve got good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don’t have to drink, drug, shop, eat, work. look at porn or any other addictive behavior. The bad news is that is not your problem! Behind all addictive behavior is emotional woundeness. There is some form of pain that was inflicted or self inflicted that has never been opened and healed. We hid it, hid from it, act as if it never happened, run from it, bury it and no matter how hard we try it keeps coming up to meet us in the future. When you uncover that deep wound, and allow it to be healed, your addictive habits will go away.

 

The reason the divorce rate is higher today has little to do with pornography, that is just one more means of covering the real issue with a temporary band aid. The real issue is we have the greatest percentage of people who have no clue how to have healthy relationships. We are now living with the first generation of kids who basically grew up in day care and have raised themselves. Many grew up rarely if ever having a family meal together. There are deep wounds of neglect, sometimes abuse and often wondering if their father approved of them or if their mother loved them. We wonder where we fit in this world and if we are good enough. Those deep wounds fuel us to "medicate" the emotional pain we feel. We are broken people, wounded people and unhealthy people. Throw two of them together and you don’t get a healthy marriage, you get two very needy, unhealthy people who are not able to survive long together. Until we figure this out and begin to create safe places for people to get to the root of their issues, it will just multiply to epidemic levels. Or maybe it has already!

 

Scott

In my previous post (removed) I shared what I was calling leadership observations and frustrations from a recent effort of our church to "Feed the Bay." I emailed a few people in my world who are leaders in their worlds and ask for feedback on my thoughts. I received a few well written and thought out comments giving me what I was seeking. First, I would like to say I spoke out of turn in many ways. I spent five hours at a place that is open year round and has a plethora of things they do to help people break the cycle of poverty in their lives. I have no idea about any principles they use to govern what they do, how many volunteers serve year round. who really is their cliental or numerous other facts.  I didn’t do my homework, I just shot off about a gut feeling. As one writer shared with me there were 756 volunteers from 23 churches and organizations all over our county at multiple sights that help the poor. That is amazing for those of you who are familiar with how rare it is for churches in one community to cooperate. There are people who have been working on this project for months and months, I spent five hours with no preparation other than to drive to the site, put in my time and leave, that doesn’t really qualify me to speak to the subject with any real grasp of what is happening. One other thing that stood out to me was the significance of music to cross all barriers reaching to places service cannot go. Often as a pastor/speaker I was so focused on my part I wished the music would get over so I could get at my part. The singing part of worship is still my least favorite so I may need to expand myself in that area as well!

 

One of the reasons I have learned to ask for and love feedback is I know of no other way to see blind spots than to have others point them out to me. Sometimes it is through my own relationship with the Lord that He points them out and other times friends will. I hope I always have a circle of people close enough to tell me the truth. I hope the Lord allows me the opportunity to continue to seek feedback so real growth can continue to happen. Nothing in my Christian life has expedited the growth of organizations or people like someone looking you in the eye and telling you the truth. Nothing has helped me more than to be willing to hear it when someone does just that to me. So thanks to all you truth tellers and friends who care too much about the truth and me to not call me out when my thinking is off!

 

from the heart,

 

Scott

So, I’ve been working through an anger management workbook, attempting to learn some stuff. I came upon a chapter today that was dealing with inferiority feelings that often fuel anger. The positive challenge of the chapter is to relate to others as equals neither elevating myself above them nor accepting a position of inferiority. The guy who wrote the book must have been reading my emails because the chapter described me pretty well. I got some good information from the chapter and because it hit so close to home, I went in our guest room and knelt down and asked the Lord to help me stop being so critical of other people. That was that. I went to get a shower and to get ready for work when my mind was hijacked. I really believe this is the Lord talking to me because it is like the train of thoughts is foreign to my thinking and takes me places I never thought about going. So, follow my thoughts with me. In the sermon on the mount, Jesus taught the religious people of the day that hating someone was basically like murdering them in your heart. He also said looking for the purpose of lusting is like committing adultery in your heart. I hear in my head, "You have taught that hating and murder are both sins, just the real act has more severe consequences. Lusting and adultery are both sins but the act has more severe consequences than the thought. The One controlling my thoughts challenged me on this and I heard, "The only difference is the internal act is easier to cover." In my mind’s eye I had a picture of me on a stage seated in front of all my family, friends, and acquaintences and the Lord says, okay Scott, I want you to tell everyone here every ugly thought, every judgmental thing you’ve said or felt toward any and all of them. Hold nothing back, don’t soften anything. Then He said, now, tell all these people every lustful thought, everyone in the room you’ve thought about in some sexual way, that’s it pull the covers off all of it and put it on the table. The full truth and nothing but the truth." I’m not even going to consider all the times I put other things or people in God’s rightful place or a whole host of other things that could be evaluated in this same way. Jeremiah the prophet said the heart is deceitful above all things, who can know it! He was right.

 

I’ve thought about that all day. I’ve thought about how hurtful, down right devastating that would be for very many people and how terribly humiliating it would be for me. The Lord answered my prayer quickly this morning. I have wondered all day in the light of my thoughts how could I ever judge another human being! In case your not really up on the Bible, it actually teaches in Hebrews 4:12 and following, it is like we are turned inside out before Him, He sees us like open books and He is the one we have to answer to. The next time I feel some judgment rising inside me, I hope I’m reminded of this scene, and humble myself knowing how I judge others will be how I am judged. Really then the ground is level at the foot of the cross!

 

 

My good friend Willie used to always give me this advise when I was in conflict with someone, but I just never could fully get my mind around the concept. He would say, "ask God to give YOU what THEY need." I’d hear it but couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. I’m thinking why don’t I ask God to give THEM what THEY need? Recently, I’ve been made aware that I could have some anger issues. As I’ve begun asking the Lord to teach me about this He has! I had an "aha" moment last night. The lights finally went on. I learned that one of the things that causes anger feelings is when some of my personal needs are not met. I feel like in many ways I grew up in a way that my opinion, thoughts and feelings didn’t really matter much, I just did what I was told and that was that. So, I have this strong desire to be heard, valued and respected and when I’m not, I really don’t have any use for you. One of Gayle’s desires over the years of our marriage and I would say a pretty constant concern is that often it seems like I don’t listen to her, value her or respect her. Pardon the picture but what I saw in my head was two hogs at the same trough with one husk of corn they were both trying to get. It finally dawned on me, "Lord give me the ability to listen to, value and respect Gayle. To do that, I need to receive from You the sense that You listen to, value and respect me." Give me what she needs because I need it too and I can’t give it to her till I get it from you! I started thinking of many people I know in conflict and what I see is two hogs fighting over the same husk. That one thing you think you really need and don’t get is the one thing your partner, child, boss, etc. needs too! Wowzie!!

Years ago, my bride and I started taking day trips. For us that meant unplanned, spontaneous head off and see what happens kind of days. Somehow we kind of got away from that and just would go to a beach or something on a day off. But, yesterday, ahhhh yesterday, we held hands and prayed for the ultimate tour guide to lead us and off we went. We headed in a direction away from the beach which is tough in Florida. We headed NE and our first stop after an hour or so was in a town named Winter Garden. We were blown away driving into the downtown that was bustling with activity. Bikers, runners, walkers, skaters, and tons of people just shopping and enjoying downtown. There was a farmer’s market that was really fun. It was a delightful little town and had a great feel to it. We left there and continued on and wound up in another town named Mount Dora. Oh my gosh, what a neat place! It had a few blocks of an old downtown that was really neat. Horse drawn buggys gave tourists a view of the town, many really cool restaurants and so much to see. We had a simply amazing day. I haven’t been that excited for a long time and can’t wait to take another trip soon. Check out the pictures posted here! I highly recommend a day trip for your mental and relational health, they are amaziing!

"No, you just don’t get it, singing hymns is so out", "no, singing praise diddys is out", "no, seeker is out, emergent is well basically screwed up, no missional is in. . ." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. On and on it goes, somebody did something that draws a crowd, so they write a book, host seminars and all the rest of the nations "wanna be," pastors flock to the conferences to learn how to bring their church up to date with the latest move. We really don’t like "not getting it."

 

Unfortunately, this pattern guarantees not only do we not "get it," we never will as long as we think this is how it is gotten. I’m old enough now and have followed this pattern enough myself that I’m over it. I see the current wave of new church guru’s who think they know something and now they are the experts, but in a year or two they will be old news. Church’s keep pursuing different styles like a French fashion designer. Frankly, I’m so sick of it I barely can stand to go to a church meeting anymore. I’ve played the church game, I’ve tried to persuade people to jump through all the hoops that would make us be what I thought a church should be but it is so wearisome both for leaders and followers.

 

You know what? I really don’t care what works in California, New York or Chicago. I don’t care who is doing what in L.A. I don’t care what some guy is doing in Korea! What does that have to do with where I live. See, every church is a snowflake. No two churches have identical gift and passion mixes among their staff. No congregation has the same gift mixing among their congregations. No two churches are in the exact geographical areas. There is only one Head of the church and it isn’t the Pope or Rick Warren or any other "successful" church leader! I hear the cries already, "we can glean from these other ministries." If gleaning were what we did it may be okay, if and only if we practice the next paragraph then "glean," that would be acceptable. But we don’t glean that way. We pick and choose from the various models like grocery shopping and still at best have a church that is made up of our best thinking and oh yes, a prayer after the fact for God’s blessing on our plan.

 

The solution is for pastors and their staffs, elders and other leaders to take their time and get on their faces before the head of the church, Jesus Christ. Confess their sin of attempting to make it like . . . Confess their sin of ego. Confess their sin of trying everything but intentional seeking the face of God for direcion. If my people would humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways THEN I WILL. . .

 

Seeking God for a unique congregation’s purpose and direction has amazing results. First, when a pastor or team hear from God it builds great confidence and boldness in leading the church. People hear the ring of authenticity rather than another copy cat. The vision will perfectly fit the church because God knows exactly what that church is to accomplish. The ministry will experience renewal, and success like never before. The leadership’s passion will be so real you could cut it with a knife. People will be drawn to the Lord through that place. Deep conversions happen, lives change, people develop new patterns of living and God is worshipped in Spirit and Truth.

 

It is a sad commentary on ministry when our leaders are more aware of how Erwin McManus, Ed Young, Andy Stanley, Bill Hybels, Rick Warren, etc. say about how to do church than they are with what the new testament teaches and the Head of the Church says to them personally.