My Oldest Friend

It hit me one day last week, I am the only person who has been with me every second of my life. Not counting God of course, I’m referring to human beings. No one else knows every place I’ve been, everything I’ve experienced or the thoughts that have lived in my mind and heart. Amazingly, I’ve worked really hard to know myself, especially over the last twelve years. It has been a major undertaking to understand factors that have shaped me, buried layers of stuff and just to get in touch with who I really am.

It also hit me last week, that if all the above is true, and it is still difficult at times to understand myself, my motives and patterns of behavior, how could I ever presume to know someone else enough to have a judgement about them? Maybe this is why Scripture says I am to love you, love you if you are my neighbor, love you if you are my enemy, just love you no matter who you are because I have no idea what you have faced, what life shapers have brought you to where you are today.

If I made New Year’s Resolutions, I would say my desire for this year is to be a safe person, full of real love and grace to all who cross my path this year. I know for that to happen I need to be living in that realm myself, receiving love and grace, allowing myself to live there!

Blessings,

Scott

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The Colony and Life

My son sent me the TV series, “The Colony,” on DVD as part of my Christmas Present. This is a “Survivor Like” show that aired on the Discovery Channel. It is basically a group of people dropped into an area in LA that is imitating a cataclysmic event. The group of people are like the survivors of say a nuclear event and they are attempting to rebuild some kind of a life. The conditions are harsh but they are some very creative people who are making do with what they have. In one show, two stragglers came along who claimed to have lived in the warehouse before but had been gone for six weeks. I think the Colony is about 10 people. They decided to let the couple in and shared their meager supplies with them. However, the two new comers, ate more, showered too long, and basically disregarded the original colony’s guidelines for living in a harmonious and respectful way.

What hit me is how in this smallest of units to survive there had to be some basic guidelines that respected resources and each other or it just broke down quickly. The bottom line was, if you are not willing to live within the framework, we cannot allow you to destroy the Colony, you will have to find somewhere else to attempt to survive.

This concept has much larger ramifications. From family units, to organizations, churches, companies, communities and ultimately countries without some common commitments to basic structure and rule of law there is no hope of peaceful, productive and prosperous living. For groups of people to live in harmony there must be some basic framework to shape that group that all commit to or it breaks down.

Every group will have to develop those standards and be willing to let those who are not willing to comply find another group, church, company, or country to live in where they can choose to comply. The health of the group is more important than any one individual. The larger the group the more basic the guidelines would need to be.

Just pondering,

Scott

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The Flow Meter

So building on yesterday’s post, I was wondering if I can readily identify which way the flow of blessing is going in my imaginary pipe. Is the blessing flowing from God, filling me and then heading out to bless others or am I less than full and seeking for something on the horizontal plane to fill me. I know for a fact, in my life, often I have sought to be filled by what I do, either through my work or ministry. I know for a fact, I have attempted to be filled through relationships with other people. I know for a fact, too often, how I felt about me was based on how you felt about me. All those are clear indicators the flow is going the wrong way. Nothing on the horizontal plane will ever be able to fill me.

I hate to even write this, but the rush of emotion you feel, the warm all over, thrill you feel when you meet someone and think you are “In love,” is evidence the flow is running the wrong direction! Saying things like, “I’m not complete without you,” “I just don’t like life when you aren’t around,” are all symptoms you are expecting someone on the horizontal plane to do something they are not capable of doing. When you have two people with relational pipes in the sucking mode, taking from each other to fill the void in your life, that relationship is doomed. The reserve goes empty quickly! Every affair happens because someone didn’t “have their needs met,” by their spouse and someone came along that “made me feel so special.” Just look at the language in the light of this teaching and tell me which way the flow is going! Affairs are two people running on fumes who find someone who they think can fill that empty place. Statistics show that good feeling lasts for about six months! If you and I don’t figure this lesson out both parties will soon be empty again and very dissatisfied. We flit from one activity, one person, one object to another in desperation seeking to fill ourselves.

There is only one unlimited reservoir that can flow the love, blessing and health to us we need and will never sputter or alter the flow to us. As long as we are open to receive there is no limit. My surrender then means all I ever really need is complete through my relationship with God through Jesus Christ. Then I operate from a place of fullness. Anything I give or do, or any way I may serve doesn’t come from a need to fill me, rather it is simply the natural overflow of what He has given me.

My project for myself is to clearly identify daily which way the flow is moving and to make quick adjustments to correct when necessary. So much of my life has been lived with the flow going the wrong direction. Even many things that appear to be good on the surface don’t stand the test of the flow meter!

Lord, help me to see you are enough! You are everything and have all I need. Let me be a channel for blessing to flow through!

blessings,

Scott

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Disconnected/Lonely?

I’ve written here previously about my sense of disconnection and loneliness. I’ve been reading a book this week titled The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken. His premise is we are born disconnected and since very few of us had extremely healthy families we continue to sense that disconnection. That is not a pleasant place to be emotionally so we look for ways to connect. The author suggests, in that pain of disconnection we move for relief to either relationships with God and others or we move toward “objects.” I kind of got a mental picture of a big pipe coming from God to me that can fill me with a sense of belonging, love, joy, peace and other good things. As I connect deeply with Him, there is a pipe that goes from me to others that allows those good things to flow through me to bless others. But, when I am lonely and empty and run to the objects, which could be virtually anything I pursue that I think can fill me up, instead of blessing flowing out of the pipe from me, the pipe becomes a suction device. I use objects, even people, even God as objects in a feeble attempt to somehow deaden the pain of disconnection and fill me up. One path brings a life of fullness and giving. The other a life of emptiness and taking. In a perfect world, we would all be regularly filling from the Divine Well and blessing would flow from us to each other and we’d be full and satisfied and would attempt to “out bless” each other. We would be engaged in life, connected to God and others and full of life. When I move to objects, I’m always disappointed, tend to withdrawal, become depressed, more lonely and don’t really care about blessing anyone. When I use God as an object, like the lucky rabbit’s foot and He doesn’t jump through my hoops, I’m most hopeless at that point.

A good test of where I am spiritually and emotionally is to honestly evaluate which way the “flow” is traveling in the pipeline! If I sense I’m attempting to fill some void and the flow is coming to me it is time to do some soul-searching.

My takeaway from all this is to make my filling time with God an essential part of life. When I do sense a drift, rather than withdrawing and running to some object, like too much TV, one too many beverages, or isolation I can choose to move toward the vital relationships in my life and open up, connect and engage.

I had an awareness this week that all the objects including God, church ministry, people being used, work, alcohol, sex, food whatever can be things I am using in an attempt to fill me when I’m empty (can never work) or when I am full, I can enjoy those things as a gift and something to enjoy.

I’m not sure all that made sense to you but it really helped me unravel some things!

blessings,

Scott

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Open or Closed System?

I’m reading a book titled “Integrity,” by Dr. Henry Cloud. There is a section talking about the 2nd law of thermodynamics. That law says that all things in a closed system have entropy. That is order tends toward chaos, the usable energy becomes less usable, and there is a basic deterioration that takes place over time. Dr. Cloud then applies that to us as humans if we are “closed.” He says to reverse the trend we must be open to two things from outside ourselves. The first is energy and the second is a template or usable direction for that energy. With those two things from the outside a person or system is no longer closed and can circumvent the law of entropy. With only energy but no plan or a plan but no energy, not so much.

My first reaction to this reading was how important it is for me to be open! I must allow both the Lord, others and stimulating learning opportunities to infuse new energy into my life regularly. I also need others like mentors, coaches and friends who will speak the truth in love to me so most the things I take in can be used in a purposeful way.

My second thought was concerning churches and how easy it is to become ingrown. Not just ingrown by not reaching outside the walls, but more ingrown at the leadership level. I think if I ever pastor again, I will develop relationships with some business leaders who do not attend my church and ask them to meet with me on a regular basis. The purpose of that meeting would be to hear from outsiders how the community perceives the church. It would be to infuse some outside energy into what is usually a fairly closed system of leadership. I would want to hear from more than my staff, more than the elders because all of those people tend to become insiders too quickly. There is nothing like coming to a church office everyday to blind a person from the real world the constituents live in. Even churches that have great outreach, if the leadership is a closed system, it is doomed to deteriorate. This can all apply to leading a business venture as well. Outside energy and feedback that is incorporated into a plan of action is your friend.

In recovery, the acronym “HOW” is given to teach how real life change happens. If you are honest, open and willing good things can happen and the deteriorating can be reversed.

blessings,

Scott

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Thankful!

Happy Thanksgiving! I have so much to be thankful for and yet during the year I often finding myself not very content. I can’t believe how quickly I have found myself to be 57 years old. In my head, I still feel like I did in my early 30’s. I’m grateful to have seen the piece of American History I have lived through so far. It is great to think back to boyhood days of outdoor playing, riding bikes all over the neighborhood and never thinking about locking doors. I’m thankful for a mom and dad who loved me and cared about what happened to me. I’m thankful for a big sister and little brother to make our home more enjoyable and add layers of experience and flavor. I’m thankful for my Jr. High Sweetheart, Gayle, who has been my wife for nearly 39 years now. I’m thankful for our three kids and three grandkids. I’m thankful for a place to live, food to eat, bills paid, and a means to make a decent living. I’m grateful for friends, long time friends all over the country and newer friends, especially the men in my men’s group. I’m thankful for my family on Gayle’s side, yep, even the inlaws have been good to me. I’m thankful for the way God wired me. For the adventure of life, learning and passing along lessons being learned. I’m thankful for the gift of our little Yorkie puppy who has added so much joy to our empty nest! I’m thankful for last week’s Dr’s report that told me the spot on my cheek wasn’t cancer. I’m thankful to still have my mom and mother-in-law, who are 85 and 84 years old. I’m thankful for the men and women of our military who are today scattered all around the world taking care of our interests and national security.  I’ve always said the best is yet to come and yet today I fear that may not be true for our country. As a Christian, it will always be true for me. I’m thankful for the Lord Jesus, who gave his life for my sin and rose again to give me new life and the promise of a forever home with him. Blessings to all this Thanksgiving,

Scott

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So Why Do I Feel The Way I Do About Multi Level Marketing?

My blog on Multi Level Sales created a little ruckus, which is fine with me. I have actually been approached several times within the last month for a variety of these “opportunities.” It is kind of interesting working in the field I do and writing for a newspaper on energy topics. When I write things for the paper my readers will call me on any inaccuracies and then I  must write corrections and apologize later on. I have lived in the world of sales claims for many years like all Americans. I’ve come to really despise sales claims that are inflated or bogus. It is like people say don’t confuse me with any facts because I’ve already made up my mind, I am personally benefitting therefore it must be good or true. So, before I write about why I don’t like MLM systems no matter what product is inserted into the system, I’d like to say, as long as this is America and it is legal you may jump into any MLM your heart desires. What I am writing about is my research, my thoughts, my position on a topic. I don’t have to agree with you nor you me. If you choose to jump into one of these MLM systems I hope you are part of the 1% who actually profits from the system rather than part of the 99% who will not profit but merely feed the system and those at the top.

Here are some of my rubs with the whole MLM concept.

1. In a regular sales position the profit the salesperson makes comes from the product he is selling. You can make a living by selling the product. There will be enough margin built into the product to stay competitive and feed the salesman and the business. In MLM systems you cannot make a living by selling the product unless you also recruit many layers of people to also sell the product under you. So, by the very nature of needing to get profit out of the product to pay up to five or more layers of people above you the products themselves have inflated prices and the commissions are less than industry standard. Proponents will say, we don’t get money from our recruits but only from the product, but they get either a cut of what their recruits sell or a higher percentage of margin based on the number of recruits they have under them. No recruits = no real money.

2. By their very nature they will hit a saturation point and most cannot maintain them for a lifetime career because you run out of recruits. I’ve watched this for 35 years. A product hits town, there is a frenzy, everyone and their brother jump on, two years later its gone and you don’t hear any more about it. What happens? You recruit or attempt to recruit everyone you know because you know it is the key to the big money. Ever hear of the six steps of seperation theory? Everyone on the planet is connected to everyone in some way within six links! When you recruit all your friends and associates, most of their friends and associates are going to be your next marketing level once you get through everyone you know. Soon, the well goes dry. You try to recruit and you start hearing, “Oh yeah, I tried that, so and so invited me!” One benefit right now is there are so many desperate people out of work it may be easy to recruit in this climate but it also may be more difficult to sell any product to anyone not in the system, but then, that doesn’t really matter in most MLMs.

3. This last one is true of many sales people but especially those in MLMs. Because the actual product is not the main driver of profit, the people are often just parroting some facts or statistics that was developed by the upper levels to make them go. The claims are often exagerated and don’t stand up to real research. It is very much like members of a religious cult who just say what the leader has told them to say. They are walking infomercials that sound good but don’t offer any substantial third party credibility. So, the exotic beverages that heal, the creams that are the best ever and the vacations and fianancial opportunities that look so amazing, will not stand up to third party review. It is smoke and mirrors my friends.

4. Because of my personality, I know I could be successful at almost any of these things I chose to put my mind to. The reality is, most people don’t have the ability to succeed because they won’t be believable, lack the social skills and communication skills or a network of friends who believe in them enough to sign up. But the people who are in  the system need people under them to make more money so the promise is dangled out there that anybody can do it. But that isn’t true and the research of 350 MLMs will back that only 1% when considering all business, training and other expenses actually profit. 

Finally, if I was unemployed and in jeopardy of losing everything and that was my only option to make money, katy bar the door because I’d be the best MLM salesman you’d ever see!

Do your own research, there is plenty of public information on the real earnings of people and the real value of products!

Be Wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove,

Scott

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Multi-Level Sales

I remember thirty + years ago, being in a grocery store and having a really friendly stranger strike up a conversation with me. My family would tell you the only thing funny about that is that it wasn’t me intiating the conversation! I thought the exchange was nice. Wow, that was a very caring, genuinely nice guy. We talked about family, church and other topics of interest. We swapped business cards and I left feeling good about making a new friend. The next week I got a call inviting me to a “presentation.” I asked a presentation about what? He wouldn’t tell me because “I just had to see it.” It dawned on me that nice guy wasn’t really being that nice, he wanted to sign me up! That was my first introduction to Amway Sales people. Over the years following I’ve been approached by many, many more people with the best opportunity ever to make money, all selling some product or service but the real key to wealth is “building your business.” By that they mean enlisting as many people under you as you can get and you will make money off them as well.

In many ways, I’ve been in a unique role most my life having the opportunity to help and serve people. My dad advised me when I went into the ministry, “Never get in a position where you are trying to sell something to the people you serve.” I’ve heeded that advise. I’ve never wanted to be in a position no matter “How great this product is,” to feel like I’m selling my friends something. If you run a business, having friends as clients is one thing but when the entire business model is based on “needing” your friends or the business sinks, you put yourself in a place to alienate many of your friends.

So, for me personally, when I see you, I want to see a friend not a potential dollar sign. On the reverse side, when I see you I want to see a friend, not feel like I’m a potential dollar sign. I’ve noticed Christians and the church network seem to be easy targets for these type ventures. For what it is worth, that is my thoughts and my approach to the subject of multi-level business ventures. This blog is just for me, what you choose is up to you but you may want to consider some of the research found here http://www.mlm-thetruth.com/.

blessings,

Scott

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Intimacy

In my last post, I wrote about three relational ingredients to gain satisfaction in life, coactivity, distance and intimacy. I shared this information in a talk to a group of men. Several men looked at me and talked to me after the talk because they didn’t understand the concept of intimacy except to think it was sexual in nature. In my teaching, I was saying even single people are designed to have intimacy and you can have intimacy with close friends even of the same sex. So, now let me describe/define what I believe intimacy is.

I believe we all have protective layers built around our true person because we fear if someone really knew who we are and what we have done they would reject us. So, we guard ourselves, only letting people in so far before we block them from knowing us any further. See, the only way you can really know me is if I reveal myself to you. Otherwise, there are mysteries about me that you will not know and those things create questions in you and uncertainty about who I really am. The only way a person will ever reveal their deep self to you is when they trust you. They will test you with things that are not all the way at the core of who they are to see if you are trustworthy with the true contents of their hearts. If you react strongly to lesser things you will never get the treasure of knowing because you won’t be trusted with the greater things.

Intimacy is to be known with no protective layers and to know someone else with no protective layers. To be known and to know. Hebrews 4:12 and following give a picture of this kind of relationship. The passage teaches God knows me, he sees all the way inside to  my motives, it is like I am turned inside out before Him. Yet there is grace for my weaknesses and an offer that whenever I am struggling I can come boldly before Him and He will help. Jesus became man and understands, he can feel with us our struggles.

That passage can be mined for all its depth and its pattern for what true intimacy looks like. Intimacy is not sexual by nature but when a married couple experiences intimacy as I’ve described their sexual activity really becomes making love rather than just sex and goes to a different level of oneness. I hope this helps because honestly most don’t experience intimacy throughout life. We don’t know what we don’t know.

Blessings,

Scott

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Relationship Balance

There are things I have read over the years that “stuck.” One such thing was in a book on marriage counseling I read years and years ago. The book was titled simply, “Marriage Counseling.” The author is a man named Everett Worthington, Jr. He wrote the book in 1989. The one thing that I remember out of that book is his CDI theory of relationship health.

I’m writing this morning after having my son and two granddaughters ages 2.5 years and 9 months old visiting with us for four days. The excitement before they come is amazing. Gayle and I both can’t wait till they get here. But soon we are reminded why for young parents this can be one of the toughest times of life. So, I was also reminded of Worthington’s CDI theory of healthy relationships.

Here is the theory. C=Coactivity, fun stuff you can do together with your partner; D=Distance, times of alone time to do things you are interested in without your partner (or kids); and I=Intimacy, those times when you share your deep heart with your partner. When dating these ingredients happen naturally. You go on a fun date “C time”, you go out to dinner and look into each other’s eyes and dream together about the future “I time”, then you go home and she goes home and you do your own thing “D time”.

Marriage then changes all that. Everything turns into this blend of work and coactivity. Work does not qualify as D time!  The distance where you have some healthy alone time fades and so does the intimacy. When children come they are an around the clock responsibility that changes everything if you don’t work really hard at being the parent. So, Saturday morning I was awakend by my precious granddaughter’s voice saying, “PaPa PaPa.” As the day passes if you don’t fight for yourself to get some quiet time, the day becomes a whirlwind of feeding, changing, comforting and playing till they go to bed and you drop exhausted. My heart goes out to single parents!

Families were meant to have two parents who will work together at protecting each other’s sanity during those child rearing years. I think back with major regret at all the times my wife was left to handle our three by herself.

Remember the CDI, it is an accurate theory. It is in all of our best interests at any stage of life to make sure all three components are present. It will take work to make sure you guard each part. Much frustration in relationships that lead to their demise happens because these three things were not balanced and present.

So, even after nearly 39 years of marriage, Gayle and I still need to share our hearts, our dreams, our fears and our joys. We still need to do things together we both enjoy and we still needs times alone to enjoy some time apart. When marital frustration comes in, examine and you will see the “D and I” are being skimped or left out altogether.

Blessings,

Scott

 

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