I have been plagued for some time with a cloud. I’ve dug, I’ve searched, I’ve prayed, and I’ve talked to friends. “What is wrong with me Lord?” Why do I get so upset about things so easily. Why was going to church, going to meetings at church, listening to others talk about their ministry always annoying to me? Why am I about half irritated all the time? Why do I nit pick so much? Why do I arm-chair quarterback any organization which I am involved?
This week, being tired of this, I began to ask some close friends to please tell me the truth, what is wrong with me. All everyone said was, “Whatever is bothering you, it isn’t any church.” That was a kind way of saying, “You are the problem!” The answer is always the same with me, when I’m not right, it is me that isn’t right.
So, this morning I’m asking the Lord, would you help me, I hate being so critical and I hate feeling like I’m walking around ready to spew some acid. So, I reread the passage I taught at our men’s group last night in Psalm 73. I come to verse 21 in the New Living Translation and it says, “Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.” I sensed the Lord say, your problem is you are bitter and it really doesn’t matter why. You are bitter and that is sin, deal with it. I got on my knees and ask the Lord to forgive me for my bitterness. There was really no blaming anyone else, no cause of any bitterness I harbored even came to mind, none of that mattered. What mattered was, I am responsible for me and I have had bitterness residing in me and that is sin.
I got on my knees and ask the Lord to forgive me and almost immediately I felt a big load lifted from me and my entire perspective of things changed. I started seeing my role isn’t to armchair quarterback but to come alongside those serving and help anyway I can. As the day passed, my vision became clearer, the cloud lifted and I had to call several people and confess my sin.
Later in the day I was thinking about how I had dealt with resentment some time ago but I realized resentment usually comes from being wronged and the resolution is to forgive. Bitterness is to allow an issue to take root, it is my sin and the resolution is to confess it. It really doesn’t matter who or what sowed the seed, I watered and fertilized it and allowed it to grow within me. It is my sin and the solution is fully within my reach. I am so thankful for God’s Grace showing me what I needed to change my insides!