Interestingly enough, after I wrote the previous entry, “No silver bullets,” I went out for a run. I’ve been relentlessly driven for the last 10 years to figure myself out. Some who know me well may think that’s a hopeless project! Our men’s group is working through a book titled, “Wild at Heart.” As I have been reading and highlighting and thinking through each chapter it is almost like it is putting an exclamation point at all my discoveries over the last decade. One of the realities I’ve discovered and is written about widely in all kinds of literature, including the Bible, is our fabrication of a public image while the real person is buried deep within. I believe for ten or more years I’ve been searching. Okay, I know I’m a late bloomer, but I’ve been searching for who I am as a man and do I have what it takes. I know I’ve had deep wounds that I’ve medicated, ran from, been ashamed of and hid from. But, with my hand in the Divine hand, layer by layer I’ve been peeling trying to get to the core. I’ve made discovery after discovery but knew I wasn’t done. I believe I guard that core wound for all I’m worth because it brings shame. My last discovery about my passivity brought more pushback from the men in my life than any other, but to me it is very real, tangible and Gayle would agree. She has lived with me for nearly 38 years now! On my run in a very deep and personal way that I’ve come to know well, I believe the Lord told me I’m done. The passive piece was the last piece of the puzzle. There is no more to discover! I honestly sensed a huge load lift from me and I said out loud, with arms up like a boxer in victory, “I’M FREE!” The wounds have been discovered and healed. I also believe I sensed Him say, you are tenancious like a fighter, now fight for the men in your group. Your search took a long time because you did it with Me and you alone. Your men can find their wounds and heal much quicker with a tour guide. You go fight for them, for their families, you are where I want you! It was like a sense of calling for me again! There is so much more I could say but much of it is so personal. I shared it with Gayle through tears on my return. Now, I’m free to battle everyday life with no deep wounds driving me. Just the common battles of life and many years of training to deal with them. The levels of discernment and understanding to the human condition I’ve learned are worth all the time it took. I never would have learned these things and found this sense of freedom without the journey to the core! Ultimately, in God’s sight this position was mine when I received Christ thirty-six years ago, but the practical outworking of that freedom has taken all this time. I am a grateful man tonight!
blessings and Happy Thanksgiving,