I headed out for my run with the question in mind, why is it so easy for me to be a safe person for others to confide in, run to and actually seek out for help. Why can others drop their guards and trust me to listen often to their deepest darkest secrets and yet the person I love the most in the world is the hardest for me to have that kind of relationship with.
First, let me say Gayle and I are doing very well, but lately I’ve seen this pattern in us and most others. Here is the result of my thinking today.
Usually when someone else is sharing their stuff with me, "I don’t have a dog in the hunt!" None of the hurt has anything to do with me except to help them wade through it, I’m not emotionally involved and none of the emotion concerning the hurt in the other person is leveled at my failures or shortcomings.
I’m still afraid of the dark, at least this kind of darkness Jesus described, "When the light that is in you is really darkness there is no greater darkness." That means when I think I’m right, but I’m wrong, it is the greatest kind of wrong because I’m not even open to hear anything "Cus I’m right dag gumit." So, when my "light" my version of an event, my reality isn’t really light or right, geesh, I don’t like to hear it.
Which leads me to my next pondering which is basically, "Scott, all that is is pride!" It hit me, Gayle has gone everywhere and done everything in our married life I wanted or thought God wanted me to do. I’ve carried myself like, my life is really more important than hers, my version of a story is the correct one, I’m usually right (at least in my head) and my thinking is "normal." That is pride, period.
Too often when trying to "listen" if I hear anything that is aimed at me I want to say, "yeah but," and defending me becomes more important than hearing her heart. I guess the bottom line for me was when I said I would love, honor, cherish, protect and whatever else I promised way back then I’ve dropped the ball too often.
So now I’m praying. Thanks Lord and thanks Gayle for loving me better than I’ve loved either of you! Lord walk with me as I learn the mystery of my wife’s heart. Teach me to lay down all my defenses and just listen.
One thought about my ponderings for all who will read this. I wrote this for me and for you who read. This would be for me to practice not to read and think my spouse needs to practice. I can only work on me.